pensareD

old

2008-01-12T23:08:00.000+08:00

.when did we grow old?

an uncle's death made my better half ask the question....

when did we? when did i? must have been when you i saw a youngling look up at you trying to get your attention. must have been when i placed a handful of soil on top of a mound to say goodbye. must have been when i became aware that black has turned white. must have been when a flight up was much easier last time around. must have been the time i finally understand what rotund and morbidly obese really is. and just right about ... now.

>>just the sky<<

2007-08-31T14:32:00.000+08:00

tired

2007-06-16T10:26:00.000+08:00

. why do i feel so tired?

it has been a tiring 30 days of endless *induction* sessions and working/ staring at the computer monitor. i think i've grown blisters with my left pink for a lot of ctrl+C and ctrl+V. there must be a better way of doing these things. =D

tucked in a few *decks* not a bit a stretch but a real time-eater with a hawkeye hovering. hmm. or is it *wishy-washy* or *wanna-be*? time will tell. an unavailable eagle. wha! busy too?

the learnings. woohoo.
the latenites. bummer.
the opportunities. salivating.
the focus. must i.....

thats y....

>> open up <<

2007-06-03T15:33:00.000+08:00

leaf

2007-05-14T22:44:00.000+08:00

. quo vadis?.

twelve posts ago, and here i am, turning another leaf. this time it seems, it is much more meaningful as i look forward to this year. bigger, better, bolder... 'nough said.

>>where the sky is better than the sea <<

2007-05-10T15:26:00.000+08:00

door

2007-05-04T14:16:00.003+08:00

.how do you walk out of the door?

and so i walked out of the door... in fact, two doors.

it was a study in contrast of how and what. how, in the the first door, you'd want me to stay on by showing me the things i will miss. the love that is obviously there, the comfort that you've build over a few short months. but then the last door was a show of could'nt-care-less... go.

and so it was, i stepped out fof the door - for the final time. it was easy in hindsight to know that you just simply can. how excillirating...

too late

2007-04-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

. will you really make it happen this time?

ah... to be pursued. to be wanted. to be needed. it would make any man's resolve crumble. you promise the moon, the stars and the kitchen sink. what do you want? everything can go back to how it was out. this...? maybe even better than before. that...? i don't stop until the fat lady sings, you say. come on.

i will make it happen. i can make it happen.

can you really? your actions and words say otherwise. you have a history and you're living the truth i have made up in mind of who you really are. it is the point of no return. i don't go back. i move forward, maybe even side ways but never back. i saw something in the past that makes for the future that is very clear. i feel i didn't deserve the uncaring treatment and the continued disregard for my true worth. you will never change. learn from the lesson that this represent.

too late... too late.

>>a new day, a new life<<

2007-04-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

2007-04-14T12:25:00.000+08:00

.how do you know if this is the last?

you never know until its the end. we of ficklemind. we of the curious type. next please.

somehow, people say they know you by the relationships you had. but can you really? you only hear of the name and read the things that transpired. sprinkle that with your own experiences and biases. of course, you form your conclusion. its not them, its you. could it be them not me?

you go in hoping, praying... making sure it will be the last. let's just hope this is it.

bye

2007-04-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

.where has the love gone?

time to get off a souring relationship. it started out really great - full of promise with the best of all intentions and hope that it was to be the last. but then... people change, promises forgotten, passion leaves. one day, the love was gone.

it was not just one point in time but many junctures. it was small things and big things. nearing the end, you just don't like who you have become. you think that you'd just want a break from it all.... just to rise above the water and breathe again. and then, it dawn on you - just walk away. no need to invest more of yourself.

bye.

>> national sarcasm society <<

2007-04-12T00:24:00.000+08:00

epitaph

2007-04-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

. how would your epitaph read?.

it has been almost a month now since i called home from the jakarta airport only to be told by my mom that we had lost him at that very second. a whirlwind of activities ensued. it was (still is) a big blur. the eventual had happened. i had cried earlier but the emotion was strongest when you finally say goodbye, for the last time. i went back to him before catching a flight out.

the fresh patch of soil is the only indicator of where he finally finds rest. the epitaph has yet to be placed. it was to read " beloved husband and father". in all his 60 years, this concise phrase was to be my dad's abstract. he was more than this ... a dear friend to many who i met during the wake, an endearing brother to his siblings, a playful uncle to all his nephews and nieces, an esteemed colleague and many more to a lot of people. put suffice it, by our dictate, he will be "beloved husband and father".

a draft : "Lost. Loved. Lived "

appearance

2007-02-13T18:40:00.000+08:00

. where have you been?

i have been tied up with many things connected to the land of batiks and nasi goreng. november was when i got shipped out, only to return monthly to the land of the merlion. been physically and mentally exhausted with all the ruckus - helping win an account, readying the engagement, setting up the office, hiring people, making client happy, making budget, trying to sell more of the services. havent enjoyed the country just yet. beyond the mall, strange but delicious food, it has been all work. missing 'home' everytime. trying to find time finish a decent book. someday all these will make sense. if only the answer comes before the why...

relationship

2006-09-24T10:25:00.000+08:00

. what comprises a relationship? .

gubra asked. trust, i believe, is at the top of the list. of course, it starts with knowing, comfort and acceptance. but its not the start, its the next steps that relationship is defined. longevity. mutual growth.

prayer

2006-06-08T14:34:00.000+08:00

digressing and worth repeating.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

- st. theresa's prayer

wish

2006-05-25T15:03:00.000+08:00

. what was your wish?.

... a patient and peaceful mind
... a step in the right direction
... good health to everyone near and dear
... and oh, world peace. seriously =D

yago

2006-05-10T17:27:00.000+08:00

. what are the high and low points of last year?.

strange as it may, i reflect on the year that was at this very specific day every year. at the same date last year, i was living out a dream of becoming an entrepreneur. i was out of corporate, living the mendicant life of free agent. having moved from one gig to another, it was exhilirating and at the same time, tiring.

the reality of economics brought me back to admitting passion alone can't cut the grade. unprepared, retreat for the time being was the clear option. back in the realm of corporate drones, but in a different country, i get by. there are times i doubt my self-worth and ability but somehow faith (of someone and to HIM) lifts you from the doldrums.

it's been a roller-coaster ride, and it has'nt stopped. i will eventually get off and strike it out, again. time will tell when it will be and how it will be this time around. for sure... this time, more focused. hungrier. realistic.

felicem diem natalem

moving

2006-04-16T17:11:00.000+08:00

.what moves you?

easter is a joyous and important occassion for many christians all over the world. in this part of the world, i was not expecting much for my first easter outside of home. nothing compares to the sight, sound and theatrics of how asia's predominantly catholic country celebrates easter.

i was surprised and moved with the quite calm of the easter celebration in IHM (singapore). somehow, flickering candles moved me to reflect on the light it represent amidst the darkness that envelopes your sorroundings. hope permeates from every corner, as it is the true essence of the celebration.

* used a moto v975

exchange

2006-04-14T13:46:00.000+08:00

. what would you want in exchange for your soul?.

while am at it looking at my pensives... this question was logged in 2-8-2006. might as well answer it now that i am holed up at home, on a holy-day, working, feeling gloomy where the rain and thunder seem to add to a perfect-worst day. i digress.

i would part with mine for another one. something less curious. more content with life. a bit happier not necessarily sappier. delighted with life's great unknown. less reflective but more carefree. truly purposeful and complete.

... ! fire alarm just went on. the other building. perfect!.

now

2006-04-14T13:36:00.000+08:00

.why cant i go back?.

perspective (see below), its question, was created that time but was 'answered' about the other day or somewhere in between insomnia and working.

a bit odd. but it is that. can't somehow go back and fix it like most of life's regrets and misses. now i know better. it means i have to immediately answer life's great question at that time - no point waiting and setting it aside for tomorrow to be done.

life is now.

lazy

2006-04-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

.why don't you blog anymore?.

i was busy. dont we all are.
i said i will. you always do.
i was lazy. and finally the truth.
go, move along.

suffer

2006-02-07T18:32:00.000+08:00

.can you suffer for a year knowing that you can live comfortably after?

an interesting story i heard over lunch. a man travelled to a place in africa, me thinks, where progress seemed to have stopped. unkempt road. festering illnesesses. poverty outside your door. smell of decay. there is a sparkle of hope though, only you'll have to dig for it. and so he labored for almost a year not knowing if he can strike it rich. he did, as a good story would turn. he packed his bags went bag to europe and lived on his treasures.

to each his own journey and challenges. will i take the bait and endure for a year for a (hopeful) promise of a comfortable remaining years? i was quick to retort that i would if only to say that i have tried and maybe, wishfully thinking, lady luck may also smile upon me. there is no guarantee in life. and so much so, that you cant' choose your suffering. but we can all hope.

truths

2006-01-18T00:25:00.000+08:00

. what are the sacred truths in your life?.

i read this question somewhere, sometime ago. it asks me what i know for certain is true in life, in my life, for that matter.

i know for a fact that i am happy without much money. it's not that i have had in abundace to even say that i was unhappy. it means that with little i could afford i could undoubtedly say i was/am happy. a book, read without interruptions, is a divine.

i know that 'this' too will pass - whatever it is. faced with a difficult situation, this is my positive affirmation. it sounds a non-caring way of meeting head-on an adversity. but my predeliction to look at life this end, saves me all the unnecessary anxiety that i don't need. that is saying a lot because i am - another fact- a true worrywort.

i believe in the truth of my religion, not necessarily my church. this was just a recent revelation to me by a sagely relative who pondered on one of life's great questions. my religion is my own appreciation of God, and the omnisprensence He represents. my church is the tangible aspect of my religion, where representation must be explained by logical brain.

conflagration

2006-01-17T13:08:00.000+08:00

. if your house is burning now, what would you save?.

of course, life and limb would be of paramount concern. any material things can be replaced. even those supposed sentimental items that we all hoard. i guess that question assumes you take out the obvious answers.

and so, the question then is directed towards your material possessions... i would bring my document bag, which holds most of our important documents. i can't really see myself carting away anything else but then again, we would not know what to do/bring until we're in the real situation.

i remember an anecdote that mom would share during family get together. when i was still wearing grade pants/shorts, and plump as one can be, a nearby fire occured in an apartment we were living. it was so close that we had to leave. everyone was tasked to carry what they could grab. the conflagration did'nt reach us and after all the excitement died down, they saw me in the sofa still gripping very tightly, one on each hands, my precious things - SPAM.

weird habits

2006-01-11T23:36:00.000+08:00

.what are my five weird habits?.

i've been tagged and i need to expose myself.

* when the blues hit me, i go to national bookstore. i just look at all the books. pick one. leaf through some. i normally leave the place without buying anything. most of the time, i check out the blues by the door.

* what is weirder than the first? since there is no national bookstore here and borders/kinokuniya are far from where i work, i go to popular bookstore. these are mostly local textbook and the aisle for chinese books refreshes me most - only, i dont understand a thing what's all about.

* i will read anything that i could lay may hands on - even kislap. i will open 3-4 books, start reading them and will eventually finish one. the rest? they are closed forever and tucked in a bookcase or given to a new owner.

* i have the full collection of the entrepreneur (philippine edition). even now that i'm here, i ask my partner in crime to buy it while i was away. now that she will be here, i think i have no recourse but to buy it in your friendly neighboorhood store at lucky plaza. cost = S$8.00 (S$=Php32). effect on me = priceless. explain it to me like i'm five years old...

* weirdest? i have been yapping about books, magazine, reading, bookstore, magazine. i think i have found my passion (see below)... never lost it. you are right 'bramasole'! thank you chicmomma!

ps. the tag stops with me because i only have two links =P. the one that tagged me and another who has just been tagged by my tagger so i cannot tag them again as it will be an endless tagging exercise.

passion

2006-01-03T14:14:00.000+08:00

. what is your passion?.

i think i lost mine somewhere along the journey. its time to rediscover my true north this year.

home

2005-12-19T15:05:00.000+08:00

. do you miss home?.

its has been a few months now since i joined the multitude of filipinos who have decided to be part of the diaspora. reasons-aside, singapore was a plausible home away from home. all the how's and why's are fodder for lengthy discussions reserved for long nights.

in the meantime, i'm going home for the holidays. i miss my grimmy, noisy, smiling and optimistic philippines. i'm sure after a while, i will long for the contrast that my adopted country offers. it will be different next time. home will be with me when i return. it will lessen the why's and the what for's.

prejudice

2005-12-13T22:16:00.000+08:00

. is racial discrimination existent in your country?.

over christmas lunch, discussion turned into the on-going racial tension in australia. it was a good segue to talk about the prevalence of discrimination and the manners we have seen, heard and felt it. somehow, i got the end of a question, ' do you have discrimination in your country?'

i believe there will always be racial discrimination regardless of where one is. the mere fact that we are similar yet so different from each other will always stoke the fire of indifference. my country is no different. depending on one's ethnicity, social strata, age range or even the shape of our nose, one is either in or out.

i will always be different from the next person beside me. and you will always be not who i would like you to be. that's how are ... bar none, we are prejudiced. its the degree by which we show it or how we let rule our lives that make the difference.

whispers

2005-12-12T00:22:00.000+08:00

.how do deaf whisper to each other?.

from where i would normally sit in church, i can see a section of the ground floor pews filled with the hearing impaired. i would occassionally glance at them as a lead person hurriedly 'signs' whatever is being said or sang. i would pick up a sign here and then.

this morning though, a man from behind me asked his companion, 'how do deaf whisper to each other?' i think he was either attempting to ellicit a giggle or he was just plain insensitive. i would venture to say that its the latter. nonetheless, it made me think...

when you whisper to another, a secret is being passed. does that mean the hearing impaired does'nt have to hide anything from each other? no secrets. a blissful state.

it's just sad though that we who hear are outsiders in their world of codified gestures and expressions.
kyrie

live forever

2005-12-11T03:03:00.000+08:00

. do you need a lifetime to live forever?
it is interesting how the mind works when one's mortality is questioned. flashbacks. flashforwards. too soon. what could be.
in the end, it doesnt matter how short or long we live. we all live forever through others, to the lives we have touched. i resolve to leave this world a better place than when i arrived. semper vivo...

:: initium ::

2005-12-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

: where do you start? and when do you begin?
it does'nt really matter for as long as you do: